Closet Samurai
by spotdot
Summary: Eren's in for a surprise when Levi asks him for a favor...


Eren? Levi, the clean freak of Sina College, wanted _him_ to help clean his room? Eren stared blankly at the text on his Smartphone. Smartphones didn't lie, that much he knew. And, well, it wasn't as though it was completely unexpected; every college student knew that "inspection day" was code for "clean your room at lightning speed because you haven't bothered to cleaning since starting college when you discovered what freedom from parents meant".

It's just that… Levi sort of did the lightning speed cleaning ritual regularly, and he took it seriously, even going as far as having a designated "cleaning day" and refusing to come out his dorm room for three hours until everything was clean; from the bathroom shelves to that annoying little nook in the kitchen. Levi's personal record currently stood at two hours and thirty six minutes.

So basically; that meant that Levi needed to be "clean" of something, and that he actually had something to hide from the inspector, Erwin Smith, their dorm leader.

Pocketing his phone, Eren made his way to Levi's room, having just been told his room number. They'd originally met in their over-crowded Psych 101 class when Eren had come in a minute late and had to sit next to Levi, a short, black haired man who slumped in his seat at the very back of the lecture hall. The man would've been better off sitting in the sun at the front; he was so pale he looked like a vampire.

Levi raised a dark eyebrow, telling Eren in a bored tone that he liked his ignorance, and promptly shoved Eren off his seat as soon as he sat down. He'd needed to do that for a while, he said while nodding almost nostalgically. It felt good to show freshmen students their place, apparently. Levi really should've sat at the front. Eren would've watched him disintegrate into dust with pleasure.

That was their beautiful, heart-warming story of the beginning of friendship. It brought non-existent tears to his eyes at the memory.

After swimming through throngs of students in the hallways, he found Levi's room; knowing that the door was open and he pushed the handle down to get inside. He slipped inside the dorm room, curious, since he'd never actually been here before. Levi had the same basic furniture and room layout as him, with the exact same, equally disgusting, Victoria curtains on the living room window to boot.

Eren made his way to Levi's room, the one on the left side, he remembered Levi saying, and opened the door (it had holes punched into it). He'd been expecting a room as stark as Levi's personality and walls as blank as the man's expression. Instead, there were old karate posters covering the cream walls, several fighting figures posed on shelves and neatly lined up shining objects on a desk of drawers: _knives. _

A rough voice startled him. "You little bastard!" That was rich coming from Levi…

"Get out of my _room_ you _stupid_ fly! The window is _wide _open, how can you be so fucking dumb! You better not leave shit stains on the wall."

Eren watched from the doorframe as Levi sighed in exasperation, running thin fingers through his jet black undercut. A faint and frantic buzzing noise filled the otherwise silent room. Levi was actually talking, shouting even, at an actual _fly_.

"Look," Levi pressed his thumb and index finger to his temple, frowning as he reasoned with the insect. "If I promise to miss you, will you fucking go away?" The fly continued to buzz around the room, evidently not paying attention to Levi.

Eren watched in bewilderment, his green eyes wide, as Levi sneaked a hand into his jean pocket, pulling out a black bandana that he slipped over his head with a menacing, cold, grey eyed glare trained on the fly. Then he tiptoed backwards to his bed, reaching behind his back with his head darting around to find the source of the quiet buzz that seemed to come from everywhere. He pulled out something from under his pillow and Eren's jaw dropped to the floor.

A fucking samurai sword.

Levi had an actual, metal and insanely sharp samurai sword. Under his pillow! What was this, some awful Japanese kung fu movie from the eighties where the heroes randomly unsheathed full blown weapons from nowhere?

Levi held the sword in an offensive stance, with one arm angling the sword while the other was held back for the dramatic pose, his feet professionally positioned shoulder width apart. The metal glinted in the natural light from the open window, and Levi held perfectly still, waiting for just the right moment… To strike into what looked like mid-air. Then the buzzing was no more.

Levi was a fucking murderer; he killed an innocent _fly_.

The smirk was evident in Levi's voice as he dropped to the ground on one knee, pretending to sheath his sword by his side.

"You know for a fly, you're not really living up to your name-sake, Bluebottle, my ex-nemesis. It was a good battle, you fought well." He growled at the dead insect on the floor.

From his position, he finally noticed Eren standing by his doorframe. "Ah, you made it."

Levi stood up, dusting himself off, finding a cleaning wipe in a packet on his bedside table, using it to pick up the carcass and throw it out the window.

Poor... Innocent… Fly…

_Somebody_ had to fucking mourn over it.

Eren decided it would be missed dearly.

Levi waggled his sword at Eren by the handle when he returned. "I need you to help me hide my sword."

Eren blinked slowly in reply. "But… you're already wearing pants…" A smirk played on his face, though Eren tried to bite it down.

The other man frowned then snorted a laugh when he understood.

"Yes, it's true what they say… To have a sword is to have manhood… My sword is truly my manhood…" Levi lovingly stroked the length of the sword.

Eren's chest rumbled, his shoulders vibrated and he giggled, attempting to hide his red face with a tan colored hand. He walked into the room, practically skipping to the desk of drawers where the knives lay on the surface. Picking one up, he copied Levi's stance from earlier, using his free hand to give Levi a dorky "come hither" gesture.

"Fight me, oh Black Bandana-san."

A little while later, Erwin strode towards the next student's door to inform them he was beginning the room inspection when he heard muffled kiaps and loud footsteps and bangs from within. Knowing the dorm's policy for no fighting, even if it seemed to be sparring, he frowned with bushy blonde eyebrows, immediately opening the door to walk inside the dorm room. The floor boards creaked under his weight (he was as well built as Captain America, thank you very much. Looked like him too). There was a terrified gasp from the bedroom down the short hallway.

"FUCK, EREN, GET THE STUFF IN A BAG AND GET OUT THE WINDOW." A voice commanded.

A younger male's voice cried out hysterically. "What?! Levi, there's no fire escape, I'll die!"

"Suicide is man's way of telling god; fuck off, I will quit if I want! You can't fire me!"

"I like my job as a living human being! And it's not suicide if you're the one pushing me out the window!"

"Well then, you'll do as I say and move your ass even if I fucking have to move it myself!"

A heavy pause filled the air. "… Go on then." Then there was a mixed sound of a yelp and a chuckle from the younger man.

Erwin walked into Levi's room just then, seeing the two men with bags in their hands, wearing identical black suits and bandanas, ninja costumes, to be exact. They had a foot outside the window, a taller man cried out in fear when he saw Erwin at the door, then fell onto the grass outside. The ground wasn't even half a meter beneath the window. He didn't get a chance to confront them because they were already outside, running for their broke student lives across the courtyard, still bickering along the way.

"I can't believe you were willingly going to let me die, and for a bad joke as well! You're not even religious!"

Eren whined loudly, his voice echoing the open area, trudging behind Levi with a plastic bag of what were probably illicit items. Drugs? He spotted the figures on the shelves around him. Ah. Well then. Levi still thought he was a ninja, huh?

Levi shoved the costumed teen. "It would've been an honorable death. Be grateful, brat."

At least… At least the room was spotlessly clean? Yes! And not only that, but his childhood friend had made a friend of his own, one that he seemed to like, given the way he allowed the teen to complain. That was rare.

Erwin pulled out his phone from his pocket, speed dialing his assistant.

"Fucking _knife play_! Neither of us thought of that!" He roared as soon as the bespectacled woman picked up.

Hanji was silent for a moment, probably from mild shock at the news. "You know, you're still free to give me those ten dollars…"


End file.
